Thursday, June 16, 2016

Forgotten Blog

I had forgotten about this blog. I have been working on a running journal, and didn't even consider that I had all these other journal entries available. It is interesting, if I measure my life in terms of written output thus far, I've actually been fairly prolific. At the same time, there are chunks of my life that are missing. I got in the habit of writing things down, then things just seemed to take an unscheduled turn. I went back to school, finished school and went back again, and had two kids somewhere in there. A Day in the Life was the other blog I started, to track memories of the kids. Funny how when you have kids you do a great job of documenting the first one, but things seem to go to shit when you have the second one. Pictures are forgotten, journal entries are neglected... second children just end up getting the short end of the stick sometimes. A lot has changed since I started writing this blog. My older son is 12 years old now. My younger son just turned 8. Max, the wonder dog, passed away last year at the age of 13. I'm nearly done writing my dissertation and I have a dissertation defense date scheduled for July 19th this year. I've gained weight, lost weight, and started and stopped various exercise and diet routines. I've gone from being an Assistant Registrar to a Dean of a School of Education. I don't watch much TV anymore, but I don't read as much either. I will have time for that, but for the last three years I have been so embedded in my work I feel like I've forgotten how to live. When I do take the time out of my schedule to go away on vacation I seem to tend towards overdoing it. I guess I just want my down time to be as much as it can be. And that can be problematic. For now I just want to try to start putting things in order. Life has become so cluttered with meaningless things. I'm a pack rat in so many different ways. I can't get rid of things. I take on new things, and then I don't finish them. I want to start finishing things. I want closure on all the things that are in process right now, so I can finally get to the point where I can stop for a minute and realize that there's nothing to worry about. That I can take five minutes and just enjoy life, without having to worry about deadlines, or what is coming next. I can just relax and take in the moment. I don't have many days where I feel like I'm just taking in the moment. Most days I feel like I'm doing as much as I can but there is still plenty that I'm not doing that I should be doing. And that is a terrible feeling to have to live with day in and day out. That is the feeling that keeps you up at night. The feeling that wakes you up in a panic in the middle of the night. The feeling that gets you up early and doesn't let you fall back asleep. It will be interesting to go back through these entries and start taking stock of what I've done. Some of the entries in Tea for One are funny. Some are reflective. Some might be sad, but they're all something I can leave behind for others to enjoy. I think that's one of the amazing things about a journal - there are two very utilitarian functions that are both served by the same general output. The output is documentation of what has been going on, or what has come to mind. The utility is twofold. Other people can read it and enjoy it, but it can also serve as a point of self-reflection. I can look back and see how far I've come. Or how far I haven't come, in other cases.